my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
