My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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