I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
