Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
