Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
