yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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