Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
