if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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