shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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