i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
