sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
