She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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