Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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