Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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