Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
