honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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