The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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