oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
