I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
