I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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