Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
