so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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