Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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