sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
