I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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