Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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