could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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