Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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