Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
