Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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