apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
