i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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