Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
