so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
