Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
