She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
