i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
