remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
