Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
