He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
