Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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