Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
