I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
