Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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