DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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