Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
So many bounce houses so little time
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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