You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
