it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
