my mouth tastes like poor choices
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Found the puke drawer
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
