Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The best revenge is premature balding
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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